I live on a suburban farm. Yep, they exist. My boyfriend and I live in a house in a crescent with a decent sized yard, we have two puppies (5 months and 1 year 4 months) and we have 9 hens. I just received a greenhouse, am in the process of ordering my garden bed supplies, and have every intention of spending my summer in bare feet in the dirt growing vegetables. I love it, but sometimes it’s really hard.
Folks, it’s been a tough week. This time last week we had 10 hen, and if you’re paying attention you’ll understand that means something happened to the last one. Unfortunately, due to a scary incident we completely missed, but caught midway through, our beloved Pearl has passed.
I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been traumatized and heartbroken all week. I cried so much the night she passed I couldn’t breathe. She was my favourite and she followed me around everywhere. I looked forward to watching the antics she would get into every day. She was always the first one to run, and I mean run, to me when I opened the door in the morning - I couldn’t keep her away.
I won’t get into the details - it was in the ballpark of what happens in Biggest Little Farm, except more gruesome - but she didn’t deserve to die the way she did. No animal does. Having said that, what I witnessed is part of the animal kingdom and it most certainly is a reality of farm life, no matter how big or small. There’s no way around it.
This being my first experience with farm animal death and with the closeness I felt to Pearl, even if very brief, I became inconsolable. I relived the aftermath in my head for days afterward, initially blaming myself for the incident, only increasing my related anxiety, sadness, and anger. It still rests with me, which is what I want to share with you today.
We’ve all experienced things that negatively impact our nervous systems by producing negative stress. In this case, I experienced trauma and shock, I became a zombie, a cry baby, and very blue - in that order - all in one week. The last phase is the longest, at least for me. It’s not just about feeling blue, it’s also about processing the physical, emotional, mental, and energetic stress that came along with the initial stressor itself.
When a stressful event ends, stress itself doesn’t go away. It manifests.
Part of the reason I’m writing about this is so my own stress will subside. Writing is a way for me to let go of things that are bothering me. I’ve not been able to put words to paper this week, but now they’re flooding out of me. I think it’s important to share this, because it’s easy to forget that when stress arises, we have to actively work on bringing ourselves back into balance. it doesn’t just go away once the event is over.
I’ll be honest, before this event occurred, I was already burned out. My adrenals were in exhaustion, meaning I was in an extended period of high level of stress and my body couldn’t produce enough hormones to support the need anymore. I was tired - mentally and physically exhausted (from my injury, yes, but also because I have a lot of my plate), to the point where everything was a trigger for overload - and when Pearl died, I became a zombie because I couldn’t handle the trauma on top of everything else. I had been inadvertently pushed over the edge.
I’m now dealing with the aftermath of 3 months of burnout and two traumas, and it’s not fun. Every day is a struggle and for someone who regularly lives with a smile on her face, it’s tough to pull one off, to laugh, to find joy in the little things. I am, however, supremely cognizant of this and though it is really difficult to flip the switch and head back to a more positive outlook, I’m taking wee baby steps every day to get there.
sunlight
fresh air
breathing
resting
writing
drinking lots of water
slowing down
disconnecting
supplementing
being patient
getting help
These are the things I’ve chosen to focus on until life becomes a little easier and my body comes out of PTSD. I’m also working closely with my helpful and supportive practitioners - osteopath, naturopath/acupuncturist, physiotherapist, and massage therapist - and am almost ready to move into spiritual work again with reiki, energy healing, and meditation.
When things like this happen, and by golly they do, you have to find your way. I had to come to terms with the fact that we weren’t ever going to know why Pearl was hurt, but also that it wasn’t our fault. I allowed myself to grieve as much as I needed to, let it all out, and move into a space of healing. Though the stress is gone, my anxiety will still be elevated until my nervous system is in check. Physically speaking, that takes a long time to happen, just as it did to get me to a place of exhaustion and burnout. But know this…
If this is something you’re experiencing, you can find your way back together.
Left: Mabel; Right: Pearl