I remember feeling super depleted right after childbirth. Labouring for 20+ hours, followed by major abdominal surgery left me feeling like I was hit by a transport truck. And, all of a sudden, I was taking care of a small being for virtually 24 hours a day. Holy cow.
In the early days, I wondered how I’d ever be able to find time for myself again. I didn’t shower for at least one week postpartum, barely brushed my teeth, and certainly felt like I didn’t even have time to take a deep breath (except once we got into our flow with nursing, thankfully). My newborn demanded so much of my time, as they all do, and I wanted to give EVERYTHING to her. But if I did, how could I then give back to myself?
Over time, the answer to this question became more clear and accessible. There’s a couple things I found helped a lot in my experience bringing self care back into my life, and I’d like to share them with you in case something helps you find more time for YOU.
Do one thing each day
I had to make a list of all the things that I absolutely wanted to accomplish each week - minimum one shower per week, two teeth brushings per day, three mini stretch workouts, journaling when things got hard - to make the process uncomplicated and less stressful. I had a place to start from that was simple and not overwhelming.
I know it sounds cliche, but it works. Motherhood can be an isolating gig, and thoughts run rampant in our heads, enough to make us feel overwhelmed without even beginning to do anything! The needs of our child(ren) can compound the problem if we don’t allow for ebb and flow in our daily lives, but there will always be time for you. It’s in the pockets of your day tucked away after babe goes down for a nap or to sleep for the night, or while your partner or alternate caregiver takes your little one for a walk.
I found that letting go of having to do the same thing each day at the same time and letting go of that huge list of to-do’s and self care “shoulds” made self care realistic.
Once that pocket of time appears to you each day, turn to your list of necessary self care tasks, pick one, and do it. Be present with it. Absorb the feeling of being alone with yourself. Reset, and do it all over again. Over time you’ll be a bit more creative in finding new pockets of time and adding some regularity to your routine with babe.
And if for some reason you’re having a tough day and can’t find that pocket of time, use your “phone a friend” card or ask your partner to step in for 30 minutes because you need it to survive. It’s worth the ask.
Have a support person on call
This is something I WISH I did more of when I was in the immediate postpartum. My partner was great at making sure I healed adequately during the first two weeks. He took time off work (and he runs his own business), made sure we had meals from our family and friends, and kept the dogs at bay for almost two weeks after babe was born.
Having said that, I am the type of person who doesn’t like to ask for help and thinks I can do it all myself. Not only that, I didn’t sit down with my partner before childbirth to discuss our dynamic in postpartum. So, naturally when I was ready to ask for help I was so deep in sh!t and was freaking out on anyone who came near. And, not having provided my partner with my specific postpartum needs in advance of childbirth left it open ended when it was game on. Part of the problem was that I didn’t know what I needed until I needed it, but let’s face it…first time moms…how the heck can you know? You don’t know until you know.
This problem quickly dissolved for me, because I knew very early on that if I didn’t ask for help I wasn’t going to survive. No sane person can survive on 1-2 hour sleep increments over a 1-2 month period, right? Plus, if babe isn’t sleeping or eating regularly or well, the problem worsens. Lucky for me, our little one slept through the night from the second month through the fifth, so I was able to gain a better perspective on how I needed help because I would sit down with my partner almost daily and discuss how I felt and what I needed so we were always understanding each other’s role in parenthood.
It may not be available to you to have a partner who can be all the things you need at this time, nor is it realistic, so get to know who those people in your life are for you.
This isn’t a perfect science and it wasn’t perfect for us. But it’s a place to start. Voice your feelings, concerns, needs, and desires. You never know what you’ll receive from your support people until you ask.
aim small and let go of expectations
You may hate me for this one, because we all dream of having a full day to ourselves where we can get pampered, take a nap, and let go of responsibilities…even if just for one day. But, it may not work that way. Keep in mind that recovery from a C-section takes a long time, even longer because you’re caring for an infant.
In my case, all I wanted to do was go for a walk. Just a walk around the block with no stroller, no dogs, no pressure. But, I had everyone in my ear reminding me it’s not a good idea to go on walks during the first two weeks because of immediate healing, which I agreed with, but I thought I might die if I didn’t get out of the house. I held off, though, didn’t walk out of home, but instead tested my limits indoors by walking up and down the stairs more, cooking a meal here and there, and holding my baby and doing more rigorous movements, like getting up and down out of the nursing rocker.
Special note here…a good way to test your body’s limits during immediate postpartum (whether you’re a C-mom or not) is to try a little more each day and see how much you bleed (in your pants). Technically, the amount of blood leaving you should lessen little by little each day, but if you notice more blood exiting when it should be less, maybe you moved too much that day. Take it back a notch, move at a slower pace for a few days, then kick it up slowly when you’re ready.
Slowly over time your self care will shift from necessary recovery self care to what feels more like desired, chosen self care - meditating, exercising, walking, hiking, journaling, showering - things that you know you need in the moment to make you feel yourself again. When this happens, sing your praises (it’s a fun moment!) and be grateful you both have the time and are physically capable of doing them, even if just 5 minutes at a time.
Self care is for YOU. Disconnect to reconnect. Be present with yourself in order to be fully present with others. And avoid multitasking your self care…that never works!
With limited personal time and a lot of responsibility on your plate, it makes it hard to balance time for babe, time with babe, and time for you. I hope you found this information useful. When in doubt, just remember to lock the bathroom door the next time your child is in someone else’s arms and you really need 5 minutes!
You got this.
XO.